Saturday, September 11, 2010

I've Lost 15 lbs.

So life is good right about now. I can fit most of my old clothes. Some of them look brand new because I bought them right before I gained the weight. It took me two years to get down to a size in which I am comfortable with myself. I have a lot more to go, but I am willing to work for it. Which brings me to my personal irritation: people who think its okay to comment on your weight. Often, when I tell people that I want to lose more, the response is: "Girl, you don't have any weight to lose!"

This has mainly been men. Ironically, men that don't even know me that well. I don't care what your idea of beauty is. I don't care if you like your women "thick". I care about how I view myself. It's always strange to me when people feel comfortable enough to comment on your body, whether it is a compliment or not. I have one Aunt that never fails to make a comment on my weight. It doesn't matter if she hasn't seen me in five years; since childhood, I can count on a negative comment from her. People's inability to censor themselves contributed a lot to my former negative self-image about my body. I remember when I was younger, I was always called "fat girl" or "Ms. Piggy". Those comments hurt greatly. I would look in the mirror and wonder why they would call me fat.

I wasn't even AWARE of my weight until a couple of careless adults made those insensitive comments. Looking back, I wasn't fat AT ALL. I definitely wasn't a skinny kid, but I was by no means fat or obese. Those comments led me truly view myself as fat, against all logic, and I became bulimic in middle school. That horrible habit, along with Dexatrim, caused me to lose a significant amount of weight by 8th grade. I still remember one day, after losing the weight, my uncle came to my house and said: "Hey fatso!" and I immediately went upstairs and cried my eyes out.

Now, I did love to eat (still do), and reflecting back, maybe that is what they were referring to. But to the mind of an adolescent child, those comments crushed me. I come from a Hispanic and Southern Black family. You can imagine what we ate and how much eating had a significant role in our family celebrations. Nobody ever suggested healthy eating habits. NOBODY in my immediate family exercised. However, they were all slim and effortlessly skinny throughout child and adulthood. I, on the other hand, have been dieting since age 12.

Those words pierced me. It wasn't until I was 18 years old that I started rebuilding my self worth. Even when I lost weight in college, although I dieted and exercised, it was aided by Hydroxycut. That's why it has been so important to me these past two years to lose weight the right way. I can honestly say those 15 lbs. were due to hard work and exercise. Sometimes I feel like my focus on weight is so superficial. In some ways, it is. Health is important, but if I were to keep it real, I am more concerned about how I look in a tight shirt and skinny jeans. However, I also realize that this is a personal journey to fight some demons that definitely needed to be exorcised. Ultimately, I didn't write this post for pity, but I did want to let people know that this truly has been a lifetime struggle, and if you are facing the same issues, you are not alone.


rashad said...

Congrats to you raydiance

KD said...

Wow....that was deep! Funny how even though we have been apart we have experienced some similar things! I was comfortable with my weight til after I had Keith then everyone talked about my weight, then started to abuse diet pills and laxatives.... Pretty much jacked up my metabolism. Congrats on ur progress !