Monday, June 16, 2008

Starting over...

Ok, I have tried to avoid posting to this blog because I know I have fell off the wagon HARD. I keep thinking about the many "revelations" I had as I started this process of losing weight the same time last year. I also think a lot about how I did not acheive the success that I wanted despite the fact that I tried everything but diet pills and gastric bypass surgery.

For whatever reason, I stopped losing weight near the end of the summer. Those close to me know how hard I worked and how much I beat myself up for my lack of progress. Now, I did look good last summer: I was toned, slimmer, energetic. However, I only lost six pounds. Six pounds after two and a half months of working out 5 days a week and watching what I ate. I mixed up my workout routing, rotated calories, rotated diets---EVERYTHING. I even had the doctor check my thyroid levels because women on both sides of my family suffer from that disease.

I didn't celebrate as I should have when I saw my health "report card" has straight A's for my blood pressure and cholestorol levels. I felt defeated when I saw there was nothing wrong with my thyroid levels. So when school began, I gave up without a single tinge of guilt. I felt like I deserved to give up. I earned the right to halt all of my effortst because obviously it did not make a difference what I did--I would never be slim. I would just have to embrace this gut, these handles and thighs.

That first six pounds came quickly. I felt bad about it for a couple of days, made a half-hearted attempt to eat healthier, and then quickly let it go. I would look enviously at my friends who lost a significant amount of weight and wonder why it did not happen for me? Was it a plateau? Was it that my body was changing because I am "older" now? Was it my new medicine - weight gain is listed as one of the side effects?

I started eating out more, drinking more, and totally gave up any form of physical exercise. I was not surprised when my favorite pair of jeans, the ones that usually fit well despite my weight fluctuations, were cutting off my circulation as I put them on the other day. Did the dryer shrink them? I did put it on permanent-press, and I usually let my jeans air dry. I knew the day had come when I needed to stop throwing my mental temper tantrum and get on the diet train again.

I know I need to stop giving up. I can't be a health super star for 3 months and then give up for 9. The world doesn't work like that. My body and mind are tired. So I am starting once again, somewhat dejectedly, heavier than I was when I started last year, and hoping for some kind of change. I am hoping for some kind of change. Words of support would be appreciated.