Starting over...

Ok, I have tried to avoid posting to this blog because I know I have fell off the wagon HARD. I keep thinking about the many "revelations" I had as I started this process of losing weight the same time last year. I also think a lot about how I did not acheive the success that I wanted despite the fact that I tried everything but diet pills and gastric bypass surgery.

For whatever reason, I stopped losing weight near the end of the summer. Those close to me know how hard I worked and how much I beat myself up for my lack of progress. Now, I did look good last summer: I was toned, slimmer, energetic. However, I only lost six pounds. Six pounds after two and a half months of working out 5 days a week and watching what I ate. I mixed up my workout routing, rotated calories, rotated diets---EVERYTHING. I even had the doctor check my thyroid levels because women on both sides of my family suffer from that disease.

I didn't celebrate as I should have when I saw my health "report card" has straight A's for my blood pressure and cholestorol levels. I felt defeated when I saw there was nothing wrong with my thyroid levels. So when school began, I gave up without a single tinge of guilt. I felt like I deserved to give up. I earned the right to halt all of my effortst because obviously it did not make a difference what I did--I would never be slim. I would just have to embrace this gut, these handles and thighs.

That first six pounds came quickly. I felt bad about it for a couple of days, made a half-hearted attempt to eat healthier, and then quickly let it go. I would look enviously at my friends who lost a significant amount of weight and wonder why it did not happen for me? Was it a plateau? Was it that my body was changing because I am "older" now? Was it my new medicine - weight gain is listed as one of the side effects?

I started eating out more, drinking more, and totally gave up any form of physical exercise. I was not surprised when my favorite pair of jeans, the ones that usually fit well despite my weight fluctuations, were cutting off my circulation as I put them on the other day. Did the dryer shrink them? I did put it on permanent-press, and I usually let my jeans air dry. I knew the day had come when I needed to stop throwing my mental temper tantrum and get on the diet train again.

I know I need to stop giving up. I can't be a health super star for 3 months and then give up for 9. The world doesn't work like that. My body and mind are tired. So I am starting once again, somewhat dejectedly, heavier than I was when I started last year, and hoping for some kind of change. I am hoping for some kind of change. Words of support would be appreciated.

Gay Men

are God's gift to women. I love me some Carson. This is my thought after watching Love Yourself Naked. I've been feeling sorry for myself lately because I have gained some weight back. I'm not brave enough at this moment to post numbers, but it's enough to bother me on a daily basis. I've been working on it. To be honest, I'm tired. I feel like I've been dieting for decades.

This morning I happened to come upon this show, and it is simply amazing how distorted some of our body images can be. Watching this show made me feel better about myself. This article can say it better than I can (swipe!) :

New Fitness Instruction: Sing the Body Eclectic

By GINIA BELLAFANTE

Published: January 4, 2008

“How to Look Good Naked,” a new series on Lifetime, bears a title provocative not for its suggestion of sex but rather for its intimation of futility. To a great many people older than 26, “How to Look Good Naked” sounds an awful lot like “How to Build a Global Brand Just Like Steve Jobs, Before the Next Rose Bowl.”

The series, a remake of one that originated in Britain, arrives, however, as the greatest triumph of cognitive therapy that reality television has ever produced. In it Carson Kressley advances beyond his role as stylist and wit to serve as something like a mental-health professional determined to get one new woman a week not merely to stop hating her body but to regard it as if it belonged to Maud Adams in “Octopussy.” Talleyrand negotiating at the Congress of Vienna surely faced less resistance.

An antidote to makeover programs that tell us flesh is what must be made over, the series dresses up old-school feminist arguments, without any concession to obesity paranoia. Mr. Kressley in his coral cashmere cable-knit is like a cheerful, menschy, cartoon character that might have sprung from the pages of “Our Bodies, Ourselves,” had it been willing to have a good time. The world of “How to Look Good Naked” is a happy and optimistic place where no one is overweight, but everyone suffers from a curable form of body dysmorphia.

Mr. Kressley does not direct anyone toward steamed broccoli or a spin class, even when they appear, quite objectively, to be needed. He refuses to advocate weight loss by any means, pushing instead for a total defeat of body-image disorder by providing women with tangible evidence of their flawed perceptions. He functions as counselor both in the psychological and lawyerly sense, offering canny new thought patterns to replace downer feelings: proving to women, for instance, how they are, inch for inch, actually trimmer than those with whom, for reasons of poor self-esteem, they might compare themselves.

The show places predictable blame on the news media for causing women to dislike their physical appearance even as it offers further indication that such an argument is harder to make. Tabloids demonize celebrity anorexics now, photographing them as if they belonged to the ranks of the criminally insane, while reveling in beach portraits of stars looking flabbily just like us. Who doesn’t go to the supermarket half-expecting to see that Us magazine will have produced a spinoff called Cellulite Weekly?

The bright gimmick of “How to Look Good Naked” is that it also uses objectifying images to work its positive-thinking mind games. Layla, the subject of tonight’s premiere episode, is a 32-year-old human resources associate who, to anyone who is a fitness elitist or French, seems to be fat. But the episode will certainly leave you feeling guilty for thinking so.

Mr. Kressley, in addition to getting Layla to buy a new bra that flattens the rolls on the sides of her chest, puts a photograph of her up as a billboard in Santa Monica, Calif. When passers-by are filmed saying nice things about her, Layla begins to feel better. And with some new clothes, Layla really starts appreciating Layla. Mr. Kressley never pretends that there is a woman alive who can learn to love herself without at least a handful of people telling her she looks half-way decent. “How to Look Good Naked” isn’t just fun. It’s honest.

HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED

Lifetime, Friday night at 9, Eastern and Pacific times; 8, Central time.
Riaz Patel, Chris Coelen, Greg Goldman, Alex Fraser, Jim Sayer and Jo Rosenfelder, executive producers; Carson Kressley and Diane DeStefano, co-executive producers. Produced by RDF Media and Maverick TV for Lifetime Television. Carson Kressley, host.
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Gratitude

I've been meaning to post for the longest time. Honest! Despite the ego-flattering requests from my friend Rashad (a talented aspiring writer), I have not been able to post because my laptop crashed and I can't access my blog at work. Now, I sit here overwhelmed with all of the stories that I want to include in this blog. So much has happened since the summer.

I've never been one to stand excuses. I try to make a practice to avoid them at all costs, because I hat to have my card pulled. The truth is that I could have posted because I have access to my cousin's laptop. Part of my reluctance has been my decrease in commitment to my weight loss. While i am happy to report that I am not 200 lbs., I have stopped exercising and eating right which means that I am back on the path to plumpness. Thankfully, I haven't gained the weight that I lost. But I have given up one some level. After spending my entire summer break going to the gym DAILY and working my but off. After counting calories meticulously and killing myself with cardio and strength training. I didn't lose a single pound. Well, maybe one, but I didn't lose weight as I thought I should. So here I am, at the end of a long and tumultuous year, ready to start again. However, I am not at a total loss, because even though I am starting again I don't feel as desperate and dejected as I did last time. This time I am not focused so much on losing weight as I am on just staying healthy. I just don't feel right not exercising. Don't get it twisted, a sister needs to lose another 25 pounds. I am ready to start again, and YES I will start in the most cliche way possible - on January 1st.

That being said, i am going to expand the horizons in this blog. Teaching is such a huge part of my life, as well as my dusty ass love life, so those topics will be included in this blog as well. Food may not be the only saucy thing you read in here (I hear the groans). I heard somewhere that being an optimist is a choice and it takes work. The last couple of days I spent some time feeling sorry for myself because of some relationship issues. I wondered why I can't find a "good man". I really feel like I am ready for love, and I want it something serious. I think the most frustrating thing is that I've been dating, but I keep getting the three-eyed fish, and other genetic rejects, while a majority of my close friends are enjoying flourishing romantic relationships. While I am truly happy for them, part of me is pretty envious, and I keep wondering when it's my turn.

SO I will close this blog out by not focusing on what I don't have, but listing the things for which I am grateful. Happy New Year!!

1. The head of special ed came to me during my class and told me what a wonderful teacher I am (we share a wall and they can hear me teach)
2. I am a pretty damn good teacher. I have grown so many ways in my craft this year, and i am excited to see what happens next!
3. I have a job
4. I love my job
5. I own a home
6. I bought a new car (and the one that I wanted too!)
7. I haven't gained any weight
8. I have great friends
9. I have a wonderful and crazy family.
10. I spent Christmas Eve sleeping on the pull out bed watching movies with my Mom and sister. That will be one of my most cherished memories.
11. I lifted a friend's spirit today and that made me feel good.
12. I *&#*^$*($^ the other day and it was GREAT!
13. I have some really great coworkers
14. I started wearing jewelry this year.
15. I am one class away from being certified
16. I received a Certificate of Excellence on my Praxis II Content Knowledge exam for scoring in the top 10% of all candidates over the past few years (in other words, I know my shit!)
17. I discovered some really good music this year
18. I am becoming more organized
19. I have a wonderful little sister and we've grown closer this year.
20. My mother got her hair done. Praise the Lord!!!!!!! You JUST DON'T KNOW.
21. My mother bought me a key finder for Christmas
22. I passed level 9-6 on Zuma (a game on my cell phone) - FINALLY!
23. I love my Sansa Mp3 player and Rhapsody
24. My hair is growing and it's healthy (I had a lot of dead ends due to dying my hair)
25. I went to a big event solo - The Reggae Brewfest at the Baltimore Zoo